FUNERALS AND WEDDINGS Pt.2

Just ten days after Rene’s funeral I was again at the cemetery, this time attending the funeral of my father in law and Rody’s father, Sandu. Sandu’s health was deteriorating slowly over the last few years, but he did not suffer from any major medical problems. Only about two weeks before his death he was hospitalized and eventually died in the hospital – basically from old age, although he was not old by today’s standards.

I suppose we all prepare ourselves for the eventuality of a death of a parent. Years go by and death becomes a reality, which can’t be ignored. Of course these rationalizations mean absolutely nothing on the emotional plane, especially for people who are deeply attached to their parents, like Rody. She grieved her father’s death deeply and intensely and I don’t believe I managed to help much to ease the pain.

Sandu was a quiet, introvert man, with a decent sense of humor and a big heart. I have never felt close to him for a variety of reasons: the generation gap, a language barrier and our mutual respect of each other’s privacy prevented any close and deeply emotional relationships. Nevertheless I liked him a lot and his death saddened me deeply as well.

Sandu immigrated to Israel in 1964 with his family (His wife Titi – short for Clementine – Rody’s mother, and Rody – their only child aged 12) from Romania. He was born and raised in Bucarest, the country’s capital, and was a typical Eastern European intellectual – well educated, well read, fluent in German and French in addition to his native Romanian of course. He loved literature, history, and culture and the metropolitan lifestyle – wide avenues, spacious green parks, theatre, concert halls and restaurants – was his natural habitat.

Upon his arrival in Israel, Sandu (like most new immigrants, myself included) suffered a horrendous culture shock, from which he never recovered. The Israeli cultural (and physical) desert (it was the 1960’s - Israel was less than 20 years old and only creating its identity) alienated him to such extent that he never even bothered to learn Hebrew, encircling himself with a company of Romanian expatriates – an alien in his new motherland. He loathed Israeli politics and the omnipresent corruption and stupidity and kept himself apart from Israeli reality as far as humanly possible. He spent his time between hard work and swimming in the nearby Mediterranean sea, which he did even in wintertime. The summers were spent travelling abroad, as long as his and Titi’s health allowed it.

I don’t know if he was a bitter man. Our limited conversations never really penetrated beneath the trivia of everyday life, but I don’t think so. Disappointed – yes, but not bitter. The irony in his case was that he immigrated to Israel following his older sister, who left Romania earlier and kept pushing him to follow. She later left Israel for the US, following her only son, who left in search of greener pastures in Texas… I don’t think he ever forgave her… She also outlived him - in fact she is still alive… I don’t know about kicking though…

He was a good provider, a loving husband and father and in all fairness as good a father in law as one can wish for – he supported me and Rody when we were newly married in every way a new couple building their future can expect from their parents. I will always remember him fondly.

Of course it was my duty again to identify the body at the cemetery. And then the funeral again, the prayers, the sobs. Sandu’s grave was just a few meters away from the still fresh grave of Rene. And then the “shiva” again – Titi and Rody served tea, coffee and snacks to an endless stream of people who came to express their condolences. It definitely worked – they had no private time to mourn.

According to the Jewish custom, thirty days after the funeral the mourners gather again at the cemetery for the so-called “shloshim” (thirty in Hebrew) ceremony to inaugurate the grave’s headstone, duly erected. We all met again there, at Rene’s and then Sandu’s new graves… ten days and ten paces apart. Two more trips to the cemetery.

HAVE FUN!

FUNERALS AND WEDDINGS Pt.1

A few days ago, while talking to a friend, I complained about the fact that I attended to many funerals this year. His response was: “As long as it is you who is driving to the cemetery, it’s OK”. The relativity of death theory…

2005 was a tough, almost unbearable year in that respect. People just kept dying all around. Of course people die every day, but you are not consciously aware of the fact, unless you are related to them in some way.

The year started with the sudden death of Rene, the mother of my wife’s cousin Pnina. Pnina (Pearl in Hebrew) and her husband Israel (a common Jewish name, not only the name of our State) are not only relations but also our closest friends for the last 25 years or so, people we see almost daily and talk to often several times a day. Our kids grew up together and we traveled together all over the world during our summer holidays. In short, we are close.

Rene went to the hospital to get a check up for her heart condition. The doctors recommended a heart surgery, which was performed a few days later. Rene did not survive the surgery.

The shock and grief we all felt was indescribable, especially since this was totally unexpected. I knew Rene for so long and she was a sweet, gentle lady. I think she liked me as well, as she always had nothing but a smile and a kind word for me.

We buried Rene in the new cemetery, opened recently, far away from the town. Cemeteries and places of burial are sacred in the Jewish religion, and graves can not be “re-used”. This causes all existing cemeteries to fill up sooner or later and new ones have to be created. I wonder: if Jews continue to live in Israel for a very long time, eventually the whole country will turn into a gigantic graveyard? Hopefully the Messiah comes before that happens.

Rene’s husband Bernard (or Baruch by his Hebrew name – so now you see Baruch can be both a first and a last name – like in my case) did not attend the funeral. He was injured in an accident a few months earlier, which rendered him immobile, and he was hospitalized in a care home for elderly people. Pnina (and we all) thought that it was better not to tell him about Rene’s death, at least for the time being, as it would surely kill him. It was decided to break the news to him over a period of time, gradually and gently, to ease the pain and the shock.

A Jewish funeral is a ceremony with precisely defined rules and procedures. The body of the deceased is wrapped in pure linen cloth and is buried without a casket (outside Israel, where the law does not allow a traditional burial, Jews are buried in burial caskets). Before the funeral a person who knew the deceased is asked to identify the body, to make sure the correct person is buried. I went to identify Rene and hence was the last person to actually “see” her. I was the “natural” choice – everybody around me considers me to be tough, almost emotionless, with thick skin and strong stomach – a symbol of calm and serenity in times of grief, stress and despair.

It was my second time to identify a body – my first was 12 years earlier, when my father died.

After the body is identified, it is covered with a black sheathe and wheeled towards a piazza where all the funeral attendants gather around. Then the “Kria” ceremony is performed – as a symbol of grief each family member (only the closest relatives – spouse, parents, and children) cuts open a piece of clothing. Then they all follow the body (which is carried by four men) towards the grave. While the body is placed in the grave, the Hazan (a person who recites / sings prayers) sings the “El Male Rahamim” (God Full Of Mercy) prayer. The body is covered by earth (it is considered a deed of honor to the deceased to participate in this process) and then the “Kaddish” prayer is said. Normally the “Kaddish” is supposed to be said by the son of the deceased, but if there is no son, somebody else does it. The prayer is in ancient Aramaic, and most non-religious Jews have to “break” their teeth to pronounce it. If everything goes smoothly, the whole procedure is over in a few minutes. Thousands of years of tradition are great for speeding up procedures.

After the funeral, the family is observing 7 days of mourning (called “shiva” in Hebrew). They stay at home and it is customary to visit them and console them in their grief. People in grief should not be left alone…ancient wisdom?

Little did I know that cold January day at the cemetery that I’ll be coming back there quite a few times more that year?

HAVE FUN!

INTRO

RODY’S PROGRESS

Rody now completed the first 2 weeks of her radiation treatment – 3 more weeks to go. She is feeling relatively fine, but by now the side effects of the treatment start to show – mainly the increasing tiredness after the treatment. I hope this will not get any worse and she will be able to continue her work in parallel to her treatment. For those of you, who do not know anything about her – Rody teaches Computer Sciences at High School in a nearby town. Three days ago we celebrated (very quietly) her 53^rd birthday.

ISRAEL

The country is now in a political turmoil after the fall of our government and the split in the Likud party (with Ariel Sharon leaving with a bang!). Many people have high hopes in the new leader of the Labor Party (Amir Peretz), who promises to deliver a more socially inclined policy, which should decrease the number of Israelis suffering from low incomes and financial hardships. The elections were set for March 2006.

Of course old people like myself look upon all this with a large dose of skepticism. I have heard enough speeches by politicians in my life to know for sure that they don’t mean squat.

MUSIC

I find a lot of consolation in music these days, surely more that ever before. I have lived with music my entire life and it was always a source of pleasure, from widely emotional to highly intellectual. I’m glad to see that it can be therapeutic (for the soul) as well.

For example I’m listening now to a new album by Karl Jenkins – the Nucleus and Soft Machine keyboard player – who switched to composing classical music since the 1980’s. His “Requiem” (recorded 2005), is a serene and deeply moving piece of music, which I enjoy immensely these days.

Last nigh I watched (by chance) a movie about the life of Jimy Hendrix – not a great cinematographic achievement, but the waves of nostalgia running through my brain were of hurricane magnitude. Jimy jamming with Clapton, Monterey Pop and Woodstock – milestones of musical history I was fortunate to witness in real-time. On the cognitive plane I realize that the idealization of that period is truly ridiculous, but that does not stop me to idealize it. I was young, naive, full of ideas and ideals, discovering life, love, philosophy and art, with the best soundtrack on earth. Please take me back there!

JAZZIS WEB SHOP

I suppose this is a cross to bear? After 5 years this damn thing is totally unpredictable. I can never tell which albums will sell and which won’t, what will prompt people to buy stuff, etc. – total mystery. The End Of The Year Sale was largely ignored so far… 12 % is not enough? Go figure. I can’t really afford even that to be honest. The customer is always right…

CODA

I hope all my US friends are recovering from the Thanksgiving turkey dinner. I wish everybody a great, peaceful and enjoyable weekend.

HAVE FUN!